Delusional
by lossehelin
Summary: Nothing ever turns out like you want it, and in Kaoru's current condition will she be able to tell the difference between what she wants and what she fears? Will the return of her rurouni help or hinder her struggle for her sanity?
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so this is the first fanfic that I've ever posted. Please take that into consideration, and I hope that you like it.

Disclaimer: I'm not the owner of much, let alone RK.

x

Chapter 1

Kaoru sat silently in her sleeping yukata, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. Distantly she could hear the movements of Yahiko pacing the dojo, religiously cleaning the wooden floors. A small smile graced her lips, and though it was sad it was real. They hadn't used the dojo in over a month for any real training. Not since she had stopped being interested. An emotion that had long since died with the hope that the rurouni would return.

Yahiko called her pathetic and ugly for moping around just because he left. He didn't understand, though. She had tried, tried to no avail. How can one live without the other half of their heart, their soul? Maybe the rurouni could, considering he was the one who had left in the first place, but she had long since decided that his excuse was his heart was numb. So many bad things happening, one after the other, that had to affect a person deeply. She just guessed that his was harsh enough to kill any feelings he had left.

So maybe she was being pathetic, knowing that others had survived things much worse, but she just wasn't that strong, or that numb. Her heart felt everything with an almost painful clarity. Was she just too compassionate? Was this her gift? Her curse? Others were gifted with the ability to make people laugh, or draw…or even kill. Compared to these, her gift was much more painful in her eyes, and if this was what she had to live with for the rest of her life, she'd rather kill somebody with deadly precision and swift efficiency then feel so much pain because of the rejection of one person.

Vaguely she was aware of the absence of Yahiko's feet pounding on wood, but her mind was focused elsewhere. Mainly on the long dagger in her hands and the relief it could offer.

To her sleep deprived mind and malnourished body, killing herself was the only reasonable step she had left. As a trained samurai she could not tolerate a defeat as horrendous as what her life had turned out to be. She had lost her battle with the walls around Kenshin's heart and then lost to her own. As a warrior, she would kill herself and retain what honor she had left as the last master of Kamiya Kasshin-ryu.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep, calming breath, letting the air fill her lungs and then leave just as steadily. One hand lifted to part her robe delicately, her breast bindings still in place so the boy wouldn't be embarrassed when he found her later. Carefully aiming the tip at her stomach, she sat up straight, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath before swiftly pulling the blade in to herself_. _

In a detached sort of way she felt the dagger catch and then the soft fall of warm blood on her bent knees. Something wasn't right though, she felt no pain and there wasn't near enough blood for her to die. Opening her blue eyes slowly she found herself staring at two angry pools of amber flecked violet.

No emotion swept through her like she thought it should at the sight of those familiar eyes. So instead of dwelling on it she lowered her head to the dagger still in her hand. Blood was definitely dripping off of it, but it wasn't her own. The warm fluid spurted from the hand now clenched tightly around the blade, holding it still so she couldn't move it. Lifting her eyes back up to the face of the man before her, she tilted her head slightly in question.

"What do you think you are doing?" The man hissed angrily, wrenching the dagger away from her and throwing it across the room where it lodged into the wall.

Kaoru sat silently, looking at him with her dead eyes, and feeling no incentive to respond. Instead she looked back at his still bleeding palm and could only think_, I need to stop the flow._ Forming that one thought seemed to be unnecessarily painful though. Turning away slowly she reached over to a trunk and pulled out a beautiful blue hair ribbon. _Probably expensive,_ she thought without interest before shrugging her shoulders and turning back to the red-head still in her room.

Carefully she reached for his hand but he pulled it away harshly. Frowning, brows wrinkling in confusion, she lifted her eyes to his. _Why won't he let me help him?_ Her mind stumbled over the question sluggishly, the connection between her helping him and his anger lost in her confusion.

So she reached for him again, but he only caught both her hands impatiently, making her hold still. The frown deepened.

"Stop it, Kaoru."

This time his words hit her, tickling a memory at the sound of her own name. Shaking her head when she drew a blank, she stubbornly pulled at her hands to get them out of his, an idea occurring to her.

"You'll get blood on my floor," she stated, matter-of-factly.

Kenshin froze, then answered back heatedly. "For someone who was about to kill herself you are strangely worried about what a few drops of my blood will do compared to the sea of your own."

Kaoru's eyes widened and suddenly everything came flooding back. Tears welling up instantly, she harshly shoved him away, throwing the ribbon at him in her emotional turmoil. "What the hell do you care? It's my life and I can choose to end it if and when I want to! You left, remember! You left!" The last came out on a scream, before she buried her face in her hands and sobbed, curling into herself on the floor.

Lightly a hand brushed her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!"

It jerked away.

"Just leave me alone!"

"Kaoru." The voice was soft and sad now, hurting with her pain.

"Why did you come back?" Kaoru let her tone drop to a watery plea. "Are you here to torment me? Was once not enough? Do you need to see me break again? Are you really so cruel?"

"Kaoru…koishii." The voice was breathing into her ear now, quietly pleading with her to let him in.

"Don't." She shook her head absently. "Don't give me hope. Not if you're just going to leave again. I'd rather die then break from false hope. Just let me die, Kenshin."

"No." His uninjured hand grabbed her shoulder roughly and turned her over flat on her back. Kaoru felt the unfamiliar pressure of another's body brace over her own, but she would not look at him.

"Kaoru, look at me."

Stubbornly she shook her head.

"Please, koishii." Lips pressed into her neck, working their way up to her ear. "Please."

Tears flooded her vision again at the strange feelings and yearnings his attentions caused in her body.

"Is this what you are really here for then?" A strangled sob escaped her throat. The kissing stopped abruptly. "Take it then! Just take it and go! Leave and let me die in peace!" Clenching her eyes shut tightly, she waited for him to take her, and whatever else it was men did. _Maybe I'll enjoy it. It'll be my last happy moment before I take my life. The only piece of love I'll ever receive from him._

"Koishii." The word was soaked in sadness and tears. "This one never meant to hurt you."

A sob broke through her lips, a testament to how much faith she put into his statement. Without warning his weight disappeared and moved to the floor beside her. Opening her eyes she found her vision obscured by the dirty white knees of his hakama. _They're so filthy,_ she thought in wonder before lifting her gaze to the tattered red gi then on up to his face.

For the first time she took in his full appearance. To her horror it wasn't only his clothes that were weary and worn, but his body as well. Cheek bones stood out sharply above sunken hollows, dark bags hung under his sad amethyst eyes, his clothes hung loosely over his now wiry muscles with no healthy sheen to his skin and his once bright red hair suffering the same fate.

"Kenshin," she said softly, shame filling her gaze that she hadn't noticed sooner. Reaching out the hand closest, she touched his knee but couldn't get it to lift any higher off the floor. The effort just to breathe deeply becoming difficult and she let her eyes flutter shut at the weighted exhaustion on her body.

"Koishii?" Worry now flooded that voice she loved so much. Strong arms lifted her up into his lap, curling around her protectively. She smiled slightly at the sensation, though she didn't understand why. _He is just going to leave again. Right?_

"Kaoru?" The voice was urgent now.

_Oh, he wants an answer._

"I'm fine, Kenshin, really. You should leave." Her words came out sluggish, each syllable a strain on her tongue.

Drifting again, she felt herself being stretched out on her futon, and she vaguely wondered if he was going to use her now. The thought shot through her painfully and she stiffened and turned away when she felt him lay down next to her. Gently her head was lifted and then lowered back down on something harder than her pillow, and then the blanket settled over her along with the light weight of his arm. Fingers twined trough her own intimately, and her body was snuggled into the crook of his, his breathing soft and warm in her ear.

Lifting her heavy lids, she stared out over the length of the arm under her cheek and noticed the blue ribbon tied securely around his relaxed hand. Tears fell loosely from her eyes, unheeded by her but noticed by the man behind her when they slid down his bicep.

"Shh, koishii, sleep now. We'll talk in the morning."

His soothing words only added to the emotional tangle inside, causing her to sob harder, muscles contracting in protest, lungs burning from the lack of air. He was staying, if only until tomorrow, he was staying.

"No, koi, don't cry. I hate seeing you cry." The distress and pleading in his tone combined harshly, deepening and making it sound rusty. "Please, no more." Soft kisses once again resumed on her neck, brushing her skin in feather light teases; caressing her hair, her cheeks, her shoulder, her ear, and anywhere else he could reach.

Long minutes passed and exhaustion finally claimed her body and mind. Eyes fluttering closed, she dimly felt callused fingers brush tenderly at the wetness on her face. Smiling happily, she snuggled back into the warmth of his body and drifted off into the realms of darkness and its promised relief.

x

Kaoru woke abruptly, muscles twitching frighteningly under the blankets. For several long moments she lay on her back, breathing rapidly, her heart pounding a staccato in her ears. Memories flooding back in, she flicked her gaze to the left and right, only to find her room empty and herself alone. Completely.

There was no bloody dagger sticking in the wall, no red stains on her floor or clothes. No left over warmth could be found on the other side of the futon, nor any lingering red hairs. A small sob escaped her at the realization of her truth.

It was all a dream.

x

A/N: Please review before going to the next.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of the characters and ideas...

x

_There was no bloody dagger sticking in the wall, no red stains on her floor or clothes. No left over warmth could be found on the other side of the futon, nor any lingering red hairs. A small sob escaped her at the realization of her truth._

_It was all a dream._

Chapter 2

Kenshin wasn't home, he hadn't stayed with her the night before, and she hadn't tried to kill herself only to fail by his hand.

Sitting up in the middle of her futon she let the tears fall silently. It had been a year since the rurouni had left. A year without any word from him. No reasons, no excuses…no goodbye. Sano had left shortly afterwards, telling her that he would send word if he saw him. A few letters had arrived, but he was in China now, and nothing was ever said about Kenshin.

Megumi had left her soon after as well, traveling to Aizu in hopes of finding her family. No word was heard from her, but Kaoru hadn't expected any. The doctor had never really shown too much affection towards her. No, most of that was reserved for Kenshin.

Yahiko had been the only one to stay with her, but she could see what it was doing to him. A hard gleam had entered his eyes and his training had turned much more serious. Though he still called her names, it was now only out of habit and affection as she never responded much to them. Too many times she had hinted that he should move to the house Sano had left him, but he flat out refused to leave, claiming it his duty to take care of her now since…

Kenshin was gone, and he was never coming back.

_Maybe killing myself is the right thing to do. That way Yahiko will be free to live out his life the way he wants to, and not have to worry about me._

Staring blankly at the shoji in front of her, she watched in a sharp detachment as it slid silently open. Tiredly she found herself looking at the thighs of a very dirty pair of white hakama.

_Nani? Yahiko doesn't wear white, and I'm sure I heard him doing the laundry yesterday._

Lifting heavy eyes she caught the man's gaze with her own and stared for several seconds before recognition seeped in.

It wasn't a dream.

Kaoru felt her lip tremble and her body echo the motion in its shock. The seemingly never-ending supply of tears spilled from her eyes and in a fit of denial she closed their lids and bit her lip hard. Only when she felt the warm trickle of blood swim down her chin did she finally decide to look again, knowing that she couldn't be dreaming now.

Kaoru jumped in surprise to find that he had already moved to sit in front of her, a look of concern evident in his tired eyes.

"Kaoru?" A hand reached up to delicately wipe her face, clean bandages wrapped around its palm. "This one thought he told you already what your tears do to him. Please don't start again, koi."

Biting her lip softly this time, breathing deeply through her nose in calming motions, she willed the tears to stop.

And when he smiled for her, really smiled, she knew it was worth the effort.

"That's better." Those fingers she was coming to love cleared her face of any lingering traces. "So beautiful."

Kaoru felt her lip tremble again, but she stubbornly bit down on it, trying a small smile instead.

"There's my Kaoru." He stated softly, happily, before leaning forward to place a kiss on her lips. Panic flooding her with the knowledge of his intent, she pulled away at the last moment, turning to the side and missing the small flash of hurt in his eyes. Instead, she found one hand lifted to his lips and a soft brush left there.

"Breakfast is ready, koishii. You should change and come eat before Yahiko steals both our portions."

Kaoru nodded absently, something bothering her about the situation. Something wasn't right, there was some small detail that she was forgetting about. Shrugging it off when nothing came to mind, she stood shakily to her feet and moved to her trunk to pull out a kimono. Dropping the yukata where she stood and peeling off the wrappings binding her chest with a sigh, she slid on the silky folds of her blue kimono. Tying the obi proved difficult and tiresome, so she knotted it simply, something she'd only done as a small child, and let the loose ends trail down her back.

A tired search of her hair ribbons showed that the matching color was missing, so she choose a white one instead. When she went to pull up the silky threads, though, she found them to be greasy, leaving a fine film on her fingers. _I'll ruin my ribbon if I wear it with my dirty hair,_ she thought mournfully, then shrugged half-heartedly, _I never wear this one anyway._

Walking bare foot down the hall, forgetting her tabi altogether, she followed the wonderful smell of food to the dining room. Yahiko was already seated, stuffing his face hurriedly like he had never had a good meal in his life. _It has been awhile, _she thought ruefully, moving unsteadily forward to her own seat next to Kenshin. Halfway there her vision darkened and she swayed dangerously on her feet.

Through the haze she watched Kenshin move questioningly, but was violently stopped by the loud crash of Yahiko's bowl being slammed down onto the table. Kenshin's eyes snapped over to his, then lowered at the glare. Resettling himself on his cushion, he let his head droop dejectedly at the barely concealed hate in his eyes. Yahiko stood quickly, moving to her side and bracing her with an arm around her waist to help her sit down.

"Are you ok, Kaoru?" The worry for her battled out the anger in his eyes only long enough to make sure she was fine.

"Hai, Yahiko, just lightheaded."

"You should eat Kaoru-dono, that you should."

Yahiko tossed him another glare before reseating himself and digging back in, ignoring the rurouni completely.

Kaoru looked down at the food in front of her, and only just barely stopped the growl from her stomach. Strangely, though, she felt that if she took one bite she might throw it back up. Glancing over cautiously she found Kenshin staring uninterestedly at his own food, a distant look on his face. When her gaze lingered too long, he lifted his eyes to her questioningly, glancing at her untouched food.

"Is it not good, Kaoru-dono?" A small sigh escaped his lips. "This one has been out of practice lately."

A grumble could be heard across the table, but Kaoru ignored it. "It's not that, just…are you not hungry, Kenshin? You're not eating either."

"This one will be fine, Kaoru-dono, as long as you eat and get better."

Kaoru set her face stubbornly, easily falling back into her worry state when it came to him. "I'll not eat anything unless you eat too. You're just as skinny as I am."

Catching movement out of the corner of her eye, she watched Yahiko look up curiously and study the wilting figure of the rurouni with horror written all over his face.

"Ok, Kaoru-dono, but you have to eat all of it." Kenshin slowly picked up his chopsticks and his bowl of rice and nibbled on the white grains just to keep her happy. Just as stubborn, she copied his movements, not about to let him get away with just picking at his food.

Yahiko, eyes finally free of the anger at the man who broke his sensei, took in his disheveled appearance for the first time. Noticing the ragged tears in his clothing and the sunken pull of his skin on his face and visible collarbones. Setting down his third bowl of rice in shame, he placed the chopsticks on the table then slid the bowl over between the two adults.

"I'm done, you can split whatever's left of mine." With that he jumped up and ran out of the room, feet pounding down the hall in the direction of the dojo.

Kaoru looked after the boy, a small smile of pride evident in her eyes, if not her face.

"Kaoru?"

Once again her mind tugged at her, warning her that she was missing something.

"Hai."

"Would you like to take a bath after you finish eating?"

She looked over at his half eaten bowl of rice and smiled. "Hai." She would remember later.

x

It took almost ten minutes just to get her hair clean and silky again, and the grime that had coated her skin was unbearable. _No wonder Kenshin wanted me to take a bath, I must stink._

Finally soaking happily in the tub, the water just bordering on too hot and the steam making her drowsy, she lay back and decided that it might be time to think about what she was apparently forgetting.

It definitely had something to do with her name. Every time Kenshin said her name mixed feelings of delight and terror would fill her mind. Why was she afraid again? Kenshin would never hurt her would he? Lethargically her mind tried to turn over this thought and figure out why it had surfaced in the first place. Nothing seemed to come to her mind, though. Frustrated she wracked her brain for any hint or memory that would tell her what she had to fear from him.

_Ok, let's think of this logically then. Kenshin has always saved me from any kind of threat. He obviously cares for me and would never do anything harmful to anyone who didn't threaten him first. I haven't threatened him have I?_ She sifted through memory after memory, searching for any word or action that he would interpret as threatening. _Well, I have beaten him over the head countless times with a shinai, but I don't think that counts. He deserved them, and he knows that I don't do them out of hate. Or at least I hope that he does. _Nervously she bit at her fingernail. _No, he must know because he always apologizes for whatever it is that he does wrong. Ok, so maybe I don't fear him physically._

_Mentally? Well, he did leave me to go to Kyoto, but he came back, right? Admittedly after I went all the way there and dragged him home, but he did come back. Nothing much has happened since then, though, so I can't really understand what there is to fear about him. Oh, well, this water is feeling really nice and I'm so tired._

Eyes closing contentedly she let her body drift freely in the water, letting go of any thoughts of panic at her apparent memory lapse.

Moments later a loud knocking at the separator door jerked her out of her lazy drowsing. Sitting up hurriedly, sputtering when water washed up her nose, she grabbed at a towel and wrapped it around her thin body.

"Who is it?"

"Kaoru, are you ok?"

Kaoru snorted in irritation. _Didn't even answer my question._

"Of course I am baka, can't I take a bath without you worrying I'm in trouble?" She shook her head in amusement at his over protective tendencies that had kicked in as soon as they'd come back from Kyoto.

"No, I mean yes, it's just…you've been in there for over an hour and this one was worried about you."

"Nani?" She asked breathlessly, looking down at her hands in question and finding them pruny and too soft. _An hour? But…I just got in here._

"Kaoru?"

_Wait a minute…no dono? Is he finally letting himself get close to me?_ Kaoru did a little dance on the rock floor of the bath house, but stopped abruptly when her vision swam. _I must still be tired out from all that partying they wanted to do after Kenshin beat Shishio._

"I'm fine Kenshin. Just give me a second."

There was an affirmative reply through the door and then the opening and closing of the outside one. Walking through to the changing room, she redressed herself in the blue kimono she wore in but left her hair down when she saw the state of the ribbon. _Eww, what happened to my hair ribbon._ Throwing it in the corner in disgust she slipped open the other door and came face to face with Kenshin.

"Kenshin!" She looked in horror at the state of his clothes and his face. _I thought he'd gotten better but I guess it must have been wishful thinking. Still, what happened to his clothes?_ "Did you get into a fight? Your clothes are a mess." She reached out a hand to lift the corner of one of his sleeves in dismay. _Nothing will be able to save these. They'll have to be thrown away._

Looking up into his face she found him staring at her curiously, confusion written plainly in his eyes and the set of his brows.

"Are you ok, Kaoru-dono?"

_Already back to the dono?_ her mind shouted in dismay.

"I'm fine Kenshin, but I think you need a bath. Why don't you go ahead and I'll go get you another change of clothes."

"But…"

"No, I insist. You deserve to be pampered to. More than I do. Now get in there." Kaoru playfully shoved the stunned rurouni into the bathhouse and shut the door on him, before running around and making sure there was enough wood on the fire for his water.

_Now all I have to do is run and get his clothes and put them in the changing room. _Kaoru giggled to herself, feeling very much like a loving wife fetching him his things and making sure he was comfortable. _Too bad it wouldn't be proper to join him, ne? _Biting her lip at the daring thought, she hurried around the corner without watching where she was going and ran straight into Yahiko.

"Hey, watch where you're going, ugly!"

"Who you calling ugly, brat?" Kaoru smacked him upside the head, then wrinkled her brow in confusion when he just stared dumbly back at her.

"Kaoru?"

"What is it with you two today?" she grumbled under her breath, pushing past him irritably and heading toward Kenshin's room.

Everything inside was the way it was normally, but there seemed to be a nice coating of dust over everything. _Did it really get this dirty while we were gone? This'll take forever to air and dust out._ Walking over to his small chest, she opened it and pulled out the first set of clothes she found. There was only another pair besides the one she held, and they both smelled a little musty. _Jeez, these need washed bad! There is a yukata down there too, but it smells just as awful. He'll just have to wear these until he's done the laundry, I guess. Anything's better than those rags he's got on._

Hurrying back to the bathhouse she opened the door and placed his clothes on the stool so they wouldn't get wet on the floor. Knocking softly on the divider door to get his attention, she spoke through the rice paper.

"Kenshin, your clothes are out here now. What do you want me to do with your other pair? I think they need thrown away, there's not much hope for them."

Suddenly the door opened in front of her and Kenshin stood, slightly dripping in a towel. Blushing scarlet she turned away, and covered her eyes with a hand.

"Kenshin! What are you doing? Trying to embarrass me? You could have just answered through the door, you know."

"Kaoru, something's wrong, you're acting weird."

"N-nani? I don't know what you mean?"

"But…"

"How about I wait outside?" Kaoru anxiously scooted toward the outer door without looking at him. "We can talk when you're dressed ok?"

"Hai, Kaoru-dono." The note in his voice had her pausing, but she couldn't figure out what would make him so sad and worried just because she wanted to wait outside. Shrugging her shoulders she closed the door soundly behind her and went over to the dojo to check up on Yahiko.

Halfway across the yard she stopped when her vision blacked out completely. Something slammed into her mind like a physical wound, pain shotting through her temples sharply and she dropped to her knees when she no longer had the strength to stand. Bracing a hand on either side of her head, she whimpered at the strange feeling and then everything disappeared.

x

A/N: If any of this confused you, I'm terribly sorry but it was written from Kaoru's POV and I wanted to try and show you what it is like for her and what is going on. She is having a hard time organizing her thoughts and things just slip her mind without her realizing it. Oh, and in the state that she's in (with her health) she has a hard time caring whether she remembers things or not. Please review and go to the next.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Kaoru's not mine... Kenshin's not mine... Battosai's not mine either... sniff

x

Chapter 3

Kenshin stepped out of the bath house ready to ask Kaoru what was going on. Though he really didn't mind her cheerful attitude to the depressed one he'd found when he had come back, it just didn't seem right. He deserved to be punished and hurt by the heartache he knew was caused by his departure. _I had no idea it would be as bad as it was though,_ he admitted sadly. _I didn't think she loved me as much as I love her. To see the same despair in her eyes that I've seen reflected in mine this past year was not something I expected to encounter when I came back. My only hope was that she would forgive me, I didn't think she would bless me with something so precious as her soul._

Sighing shakily at the state of his home, he stepped out into the sunshine and searched the area for her ki. Brow wrinkling in confusion when his first search came up with nothing, he stepped forward to walk around the yard. Only just around the corner he found her, laying in a heap in the yard, her ki barely alive.

Running to her side quickly, he felt for her pulse in her neck, then sighed in relief when it practically jumped out at him. There was something wrong, though, it was erratic and unsteady echoing the rise and fall of her chest. Pulling her up off the ground and into his arms he almost choked at the slack way her head fell back, rolling into his shoulder harshly.

Bringing her inside out of the sun, he walked steadily through the halls even though he felt his own weariness weighing him down. _What a pair we make._ He thought absently, before wrenching open a door and laying her down on her still spread out futon. Hurrying back to the hall he hollered for Yahiko, hoping the boy was nearby and could hear his voice.

The boy was running into the room in less than fifteen seconds, worry etched all over his face.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"Get a doctor." Kenshin cut through his rant severely.

The boy took one look at him, and any hate he felt for leaving them left instantly in the face of the importance of the girl they both loved. Turning back around sharply he ran straight out the gates and down the road to the clinic. Bursting through the doors frantically he searched for the familiar face of the old doctor.

"Genzai-sensei!" He shouted, scanning the room, dodging in and out of patients and other rooms when he couldn't find him. Finally hearing his voice in the office he burst in without knocking.

"Genzai-sensei, you have to come quick! Please Kaoru…" Yahiko froze when his eyes finally landed on the lady sitting across from the man. "Megumi-sensei? Thank Kami-sama, you have to hurry! Something's wrong with Kaoru!" The boy practically threw himself on the younger doctor pleading with tears and worry in his eyes.

"Calm down, Yahiko-kun. Now tell me what happened."

"I don't know, I think she passed out, and her breathing was irregular."

"Are you sure it isn't from the heat or something?"

"I don't know, but you have to come." Yahiko was beginning to feel desperate in the face of the woman's callousness. "Please, Megumi-sensei. She's been acting weird lately, all depressed and then all cheerful this morning."

Megumi's face hardened slightly. "Well, that's just like that little tanuki girl, being pathetic just because Ken-san left her."

"Does is matter! You have to come now!" Yahiko screamed in frustration at the woman, startling her with his anger and desperation.

"Ok, Yahiko-kun, let me grab my bag and we'll leave right away ok?"

"Thank you."

"But if she's just feeling sorry for herself I'll never forgive either of you for wasting my time."

"Whatever, let's just go!"

Yahiko practically dragged the female doctor back to the dojo in his haste. Pushing her through the still open gates and towards the side of the house by Kaoru's room. Nearing her door, they heard a broken sob cut off by the high pitched scream of someone in horrendous pain.

Throwing open the door, Yahiko froze and Megumi ran straight into his back making him stumble forward.

"What the hell…" Megumi's voice trailed off when she took in the scene before her.

Kenshin sat next to the futon, legs crossed and back straight, but the woman who was on the futon when Yahiko left was now clutched desperately in his arms. Legs still trailing back onto the mattress, tangled in the cloth of her kimono, her body angled off and straight into the rurouni's lap. Kaoru's head was turned into the sleeve of his dark blue gi, her hands clasping urgently at the arms holding her to him. Tears streaked her face, leaving her eyes red and blood shot, but the look of pleading terror that shown through was horrifying and only added to the meaning of the hushed prayers pouring from her lips.

"Please don't leave…please… come bac…Everyone… left m… I don't wan…alone agai… just lik… daddy… please…You left me! Why?" Her voice broke and the last few words came out high pitched and pitiful and one hand reached up blindly, fisting painfully in his hair before quieting back down again.

"Ken-san? What are you doing here?" Megumi found herself whispering, shocked more by his presence than the pathetic show of self-pity the younger woman was showing. _Especially since the idiot's got him right here with his arms wrapped around her,_ she thought bitterly, jealousy mixing in and dominating her feelings.

"Megumi-dono, I need you to tell me what's wrong with Kaoru." Kenshin's voice was quiet and his head was dropped down so she wasn't able to see his face through the fall of his hair. Megumi, too disgusted with the tanuki to notice the use of 'I' and Kaoru's name without an honorific, snorted rudely.

"I imagine she's just wanting attention. She's been rather pathetic since you left, sniveling and crying in her room for days on end, not giving a damn…"

"That's enough!" Kenshin's voice rose to a heated shout, making the two jump in shock while the girl in his arms whimpered slightly. Raising eyes to the doctor, whom he seriously wondered if he considered a friend after her callous treatment of his Kaoru, he narrowed them menacingly, the golden fire burning cruelly. "What would you know, woman? You left her too, abandoning her to that same depression like everyone else. All but the boy next to you should know half the pain of living without the other half of your soul. Like she has…like I have." Those amber orbs closed in pain and remembrance, one hot tear sliding out from under his lashes to drip into Kaoru's hair. "Just tell me what's wrong with her…please. So I can fix it."

Pulling her closer still into his chest, he only just realized her whisperings had stopped, but her hands were still fisted firmly in his gi. Burying his face in her jasmine scented hair he sobbed brokenly.

"Kaoru… koishii… please tell me what's wrong."

"Kenshin?" His arms tightened painfully, holding her impossibly closer.

"Hai." The one word was devastatingly hopeful.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Silence followed her question and she thought hard about what would upset him. "Is it because you're afraid someone will take me away again? You shouldn't worry, nothing's going to happen to me and I'll never leave you." Kaoru burrowed her head deeper into his chest, snuggling with him comfortably. "You know that right? I'll always be here for you."

Kenshin lifted his head to direct pleading violet eyes in Megumi's direction. Megumi listened intently to every word the girl said, coming up with a possible direction at the least with her theory. Her trained eyes took in the slightly limp hair, dull complexion, and sunken cheeks of the small girl, and if she looked close enough she could see the way her kimono hung on her loosely. In the process she couldn't help but notice the similar patterns on Kenshin as well.

"Kenshin, you know right?" Kaoru asked again, seeking confirmation from her love.

"Hai, koishii, I know, and this one will never leave you. Never again."

"Good," she stated smugly, "because I'd just have to follow you like I did the last time."

Megumi nodded her head slightly to herself before stepping forward to get the girl's attention, but quietly so she wouldn't startle her.

"Kaoru-chan, how are you feeling today?" She asked kindly, keeping her voice low and calm, soothing.

"Oh, Megumi-san." Kaoru pushed herself up from Kenshin's arms and tried to fix her appearance, like she just noticed the woman in the room. "I didn't see you, please sit down." A deep red blush worked its way up her neck at being caught in the embrace of her love. _We're not technically lovers… yet._ The blush increased. "I'm fine Megumi-san. How about yourself?"

"Oh, you know, it's been a little rough lately but it's to be expected, ne?" She waved a hand nonchalantly, dismissing her problems as if they were nothing.

"I know, it's so sad that so many were injured because of such an old grudge, and I imagine it's given you a lot of grief trying to keep up with it all. But you're probably here to see Kenshin, aren't you? I think his wounds are healing nicely, but you'd better take a look at them."

With that Kaoru turned around toward Kenshin, smiling sweetly and urging him to let Megumi check him over. At first he refused but Megumi gave him a look, willing him to play along. _Besides, he looks like he needs it anyway, so does she, but that one will be tricky._

Not long into the check up Kaoru announced she was going to make tea, and proceeded to leave the room. Kenshin, not wanting her to be alone, motioned for Yahiko to follow her since Megumi wasn't going to let him go anywhere.

"Ken-san, you haven't been taking care of yourself. You're horribly malnourished and frankly I'm surprised that you haven't dropped from exhaustion like she has." Kenshin just sighed before opening his mouth to demand she tell him what was wrong with Kaoru instead, but she cut him off. "Kaoru, from what I can tell from a distance, is probably in the same shape as you are in, but maybe a little worse because she's…" The doctor paused, reluctant to reveal what she thought was happening.

"What, Megumi-dono?"

"Ken-san, I think she's mentally unstable." Kenshin's eyes widened in shock and horror. "Take that and add it to the fact that she hasn't eaten anything for who knows how long or slept properly, it could very well be what is making her have these episodes."

"But…"

"She's delusional, Ken-san. She thinks she's living in the past, in a time, as far as I can tell, where she's happy."

"But she wasn't happy when… you came in."

"No, but maybe that's the part of her mind that she's trying to suppress. Look, Yahiko said she was cheerful this morning after being depressed for months. Said it was strange and he didn't know what was going on, and just now she seemed to revert back to another time where she was happy and content with you. I'm guessing it's right after Enishi's jinchu, but I can't be totally sure. It would have to be before you left or she wouldn't be this sweet with you."

"But how do we cure her?"

"I think it would help if you got her healthy again. Reintroduce her to food slowly, though, you don't want her stomach rejecting it. The same goes for you." She pointed a finger in his face. "When she starts getting her energy back you can let her do some labor around the house but absolutely no training with Yahiko until I say so."

"You're staying Megumi-dono?"

"Of course I am, I can't just leave my friends when they need me."

Kenshin nodded his head minimally. "Gomen nasai, Megumi-dono, this one did not mean to be so harsh earlier."

"Don't worry, I think I deserved it. Now, you won't be allowed to do any of the chores either, so I'll stop by a lot and help out, besides Kaoru will be a little confused if she's caught in her delusions and can't seem to figure out why neither myself nor the rooster head are around. I'll come up with some excuse for him, but it doesn't need to be any harder than it already is, ne?"

"So we should just play along?"

"Hai, for now. We don't need to frighten her unnecessarily by telling her that it's actually a year after what she thinks it is."

"Right."

"Ken-san…" Megumi asked after a pause, "when did you come back?"

"Last night."

"Was she like this last night?"

"Iie, demo she … this one found her in here… and she was going to kill herself."

"Nani! But…"

"This one stopped her, but she pleaded with me to let her, to just leave." His voice filled with pain as thoughts of the night before flooded his mind, the only pleasing part being when he finally got to hold her warm body against his own and protect her while she slept. _Will I be able to stay with her again tonight? I don't think I'll be able to stand sleeping anywhere else now that I know what it's like._

"What about this morning?"

"No, but she did seem less hurt and frightened. Last night she was scared out of her mind, but this morning it was almost like it was cut in half." A look of worry spread over his face again, this time turned inward. _Did I do this to her when I came back, am I the reason she's gone crazy?_

"Don't worry, Ken-san. We'll get her back."

x

A/N:I didn't mean for Kaoru to sound too nice, but she's still a little dazed and confused... sorry. Oh, and I don't hate Megumi, and I don't want you to either. I just think she needs to lay off sometimes... ok, please leave a review before you go to the next chapter. XD


	4. Chapter 4

I made someone cry... ano sorry... but thank you... that means I'm doing better than i thought. Ok, more lovey stuff on the way and a chapter I'm a little nervous about posting. Hopefully things will clear up for those that are still confused... Thank you so much for reading... you make me happy. Alright, on with the show... and the demented stuff...

Disclaimer: Not mine... not mine... not mine...sigh

x

Chapter 4

Kaoru hummed happily to herself as she boiled some water for tea. Having Yahiko there helping her was a little confusing, but since he was making sure nothing disastrous happened (_like I burn down the kitchen, _she thought with a roll of her eyes) then she figured it was ok.

Standing in the kitchen, waiting for the water, she let her mind wander back to the events of a few minutes ago. Something about the fact that Kenshin had been crying was getting to her. _I've never seen him cry before, especially not like that. Was that really for me? _Kaoru thought about what had been happening before she'd heard him start crying. Then frowned when she couldn't remember. _I must have been asleep or something. We were in my room, so maybe I took a nap. I definitely feel tired enough._

Shrugging her shoulders, she took the water off the fire and made a tray to take back to the room Megumi and Kenshin were in. _Funny that I actually left Megumi with him alone like that. _A chuckle escaped her, causing Yahiko to look at her weirdly. _Something's different between us, though, I can feel it._

Finishing up with the tray she went to grab it when Yahiko stole it out from under her nose.

"Let me carry that for you Kaoru."

"But…"

Yahiko walked away without a backward glance, leaving Kaoru to either follow or stay in the kitchen and fume, or stand in confusion as she seemed to be doing. Shaking her head wonderingly, she followed. _What's gotten into this boy? Did he do something wrong that I don't know about? _Kaoru stared at his back with narrowed, suspicious eyes. _Well, he has been giving me worried looks. I can't really come out and ask him though, that would be rude and he'd probably deny it, so I guess I'll just have to wait._

Kaoru sighed before walking into the room that Yahiko disappeared into. Megumi and Kenshin were talking quietly while Yahiko poured out the tea and passed it to them. When they noticed her in the doorway they stopped and looked at her, each with a smile on their face, but she could see a small stab of sadness in Kenshin's eyes. _Oh my God! Something's wrong! Is he dying? What…_

"Kaoru-chan, Ken-san's worried about you and asked if I could give you a check-up as well." Kaoru watched in confusion as Kenshin gave Megumi a shocked side look. Megumi just smiled knowingly at her confusion and the rurouni's shock. "He's just afraid you weren't treated properly while you were taken away."

"But, nothing happened to me. Enishi ignored me for the most part." She pleaded.

"That's what I'm afraid of, Kaoru-chan." _Please forgive me for this next one. _"Who cooked for you while you were there for those weeks? Surely not yourself?"

"Hai, I did." Kaoru felt the heat rise in her face and knew it had nothing to do with embarrassment. _Sure, take a stab at my cooking why don't you, you little fox. Maybe I should ask what you were doing with my rurouni the whole time that distracted him enough to leave me there for so long. Oh, that was horrible, Kenshin would never do that, would he?_

Megumi sighed. "That's what I thought. Well, get over here. I just hope you didn't get food poisoning."

"Megumi-dono!" Kenshin said in disbelief as he watched the tears shimmer in Kaoru's eyes. Ones of rage and despair, he noted. _If she doesn't watch it, Kaoru's going to either beat her into the ground or become an emotional wreck again._

"You were the one concerned Ken-san, so just stay out of it." She shot him a warning look, that held a little bit of an apology.

Kaoru merely dropped her head and walked over to her futon, before plopping down on it and not looking at anyone. Megumi shooed the boys out of the room, telling Yahiko to take the tea with him and make Kenshin drink some of it. Kenshin, after a moment of hesitation, leaned over and kissed Kaoru on the cheek before whispering in her ear, "Arigato," and then leaving as well. Kaoru stared after him in disbelief, touching a hand to her face where his lips had left an imprint on her skin.

"Alright, Kaoru-chan let's get a good look at you." Megumi came closer and brushed the hair out of her face, examining her eyes and the inside of her mouth. Kaoru obeyed meekly, still hurting over the idea that her cooking could be so deadly, and wondering if there was anything wrong with Kenshin.

Megumi continued poking and prodding on her, asking her questions about how she felt and if anything hurt her. _I wish she could remember the past year because if she could tell me if her cycles have been off that would really confirm her unhealthiness. Then again, all you have to do is look at her and know that she's malnourished._

"Kaoru-chan, are you sure you got much to eat at all? You are way underweight and your body's fighting just to keep you awake. When was the last time you had anything to eat, hun?" _Woops, that last one kind of slipped out. Oh well, moment of truth._

"Why, we just ate breakfast this morning…didn't we?" Kaoru screwed up her face in concentration, then opened her eyes wide in shock when she couldn't remember, a small panic seizing her and making her breath quicken.

"It doesn't matter, Kaoru-chan." Megumi spoke up hastily. "We'll just make sure that you get something good to eat now, ok? Oh, and I need your help getting Ken-san to eat as well. He's in the same condition, what with letting himself waste away after you disappeared. The poor man was completely heartbroken." The girl's eyes cleared of the panic, latching onto her worry over the rurouni instead, like she hoped she would.

"Is that what's wrong with him, then? I thought he looked a little sickly, but I didn't think it was that bad. Will he be ok?"

"He'll be fine, Kaoru-chan. Now why don't you go find him and try and convince him not to do any chores around the house, I told him that he shouldn't do anything strenuous, but you know how he is. Get Yahiko to do it for him. Oh, and nothing tiring for you as well, ok? You both have strict orders to take it easy, and if I find out otherwise, then I'll lock you both in the clinic and leave you there under a twenty-four hour watch." Megumi gave her a mock stern look that made Kaoru laugh.

"Ok, Megumi-san, I'll try." Kaoru gave her a small smile before leaning forward and hugging the shocked older woman briefly. "Arigato gozaimasu. You've been such a good friend."

"Yeah, well," Megumi sputtered, feeling very flustered, and guilty. "You guys have done so much for me, it's all I can do to repay you for it."

"You know you don't have to though, Megumi-san." Kaoru waved a hand in the air before standing up. "I'll go look for Kenshin now. I suppose this means I should stay out of the kitchen." She sighed minimally. "Who's going to cook though?"

"I will, Kaoru-chan, and it's ok for Kenshin to if you or Yahiko help him out. Just no heavy lifting, and if either of you feel tired you need to sit down immediately."

"Ok." With that Kaoru happily left the room, leaving Megumi to think over what else they needed to do with the girl. They had to tread carefully with her. If she suddenly reverted to another time without any of them noticing then they might be in trouble if someone accidentally started talking about something that hadn't even happened yet. Sighing tiredly, feeling very much like she was older than she really was, Megumi packed her things and followed the girl out of the room.

x

Kaoru sat next to Kenshin on the engawa, both wrapped in the safety of their thoughts, neither touching the other as they watched with only half interest as the stars twinkled merrily. The day had passed slowly, since they weren't allowed to do much more than walk around by themselves, and usually Kaoru would find herself with a shadow always close by. Halfway through the afternoon she'd given up on avoiding him and decided that she would just save them both the trouble and stay near. Kenshin didn't really seem to mind at all, in fact he'd smiled more at her in the last few hours than he ever had before.

Megumi had left for the clinic only an hour before, after cooking them dinner and supper and helping Yahiko with the chores. Strangely she found that Yahiko hadn't done anything wrong, as nothing seemed out of place around the dojo and he even did his chores without complaining. Still, he must have worn himself out as he went straight to bed after eating, and neither had heard anything out of him since except for the deep snores that were issuing from his room.

Kenshin sighed tiredly next to her, and she found that she could only sympathize. Even if they hadn't been told that they shouldn't do anything tiresome, they wouldn't have anyway. Kaoru found that she wore out easily just by walking around the yard once, or simply standing up too quickly. Similarly she found Kenshin pausing for periods of time to collect himself, though he seemed to be affected a lot less by it then she was. Which she found distinctly unfair.

"Kaoru-dono, we should probably go to bed now. You need your sleep if you are to get any better." Kenshin couldn't help the little bit of disappointment that slipped into his voice, because although he knew they needed to rest, he just wished to spend as much time with her as he could. Knowing that he wouldn't get to stay in her room with her again was hurting him more than he thought it would.

"Ok, Kenshin. You need your sleep too, and I shouldn't have insisted that we stay out here for as long as we have. Gomen."

"You shouldn't apologize, Kaoru-dono. This one wanted to be here with you." He smiled happily at her, and she contentedly smiled back before accepting his hand and letting him help her up.

Strangely he didn't let go once she was standing, but she couldn't complain overly much about it. Though he did seem to be trying to crush her fingers the closer they got to her room. Awkwardly they stood facing each other outside her doorway, and Kaoru found herself thinking about his kiss earlier and wondering if it was just a slip on his part or if he would try and take a step further in their relationship. Leveling her gaze back to his she caught him staring past her into the room beyond with a wistful but resigned look on his face.

"Oyasumi nasai, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin whispered softly to her, trying to mask the pain in his voice by being quiet, but as attuned to his feelings as she was, it was like a loud speaker in her ears.

Suddenly she felt breathless and her heart beat raced in her chest. As he turned and walked away she felt the disappointment at not receiving any other sign of affection weigh down on her and mix with the anxiety his hurt had caused. Confusion knitted her brows and tangled her emotions, throwing them around inside her mind until she felt she would be thrown apart with their forceful frolicking. Bile rose up in her throat as the room spun around her and instinctively a hand came up to stop it, but she miscalculated her body movements, which were drugged and slow, overbalancing her already shaky equilibrium and she fell forward flat on her face.

Vaguely she felt her other hand tear at the wooden edges of her door for support, but her loose muscled fingers slipped off without giving any resistance. A small grunt escaped her as her body slammed into the unyielding wood floor, and for long moments she lay there, mind free of any thought but the coolness beneath her skin and how wonderful it felt to just lie there. Then the world came crashing back down on her with the sound of his voice.

"Kaoru! Daijoubu de gozaru ka? What happened?" Kenshin frantically pulled her up off the floor and into his lap, forgetting his supposed distant manner in the face of her accident.

"Kenshin…" The pain came back again, but seemed to be lessened this time. He was here, he was back, and he had stayed the night with her. He said he was staying. He said that they would talk. But she didn't remember talking to him. That didn't matter. She shook her head. All that mattered was that he was with her now, and she was not going to let him out of her sight. Something inside told her that she couldn't.

One small hand snapped out to grab his gi, and the look of despair that crossed her face briefly was enough for him to tighten his grip in fear that she was about to relapse back into how she was before. When Megumi had burst through the door with Yahiko.

"Kenshin, you can't leave me." She sounded so desperate and wounded, but she knew his name, knew who he was. That had to count for something. Right?

"This one will never leave you, Kaoru. Please, stop worrying." He pulled her closer, relishing in the fact that she fit right under his chin when she was like this.

"Then will you stay with me tonight? Onegai…I know it's not proper, but I don't want to be alone."

"Hai, this one will stay wherever you want him to." The arms around her tightened further, his face burrowing into her hair. A sensation of weightlessness overcame her, and she realized that he had picked her up and they were moving back into her room. Carefully he held her to him as he slid the door shut behind him with his foot then he set her down gently on the wooden floor. Kaoru watched with a frantic fluttering inside her stomach as he rolled out her futon and made sure everything was ready before picking her up again and tucking her in. Her heart beat forcibly against her ribs while he blew out the lights and returned only long enough to kiss her forehead and whisper in her ear.

"This one will be right back, ok?"

"Where are you going?" Kenshin winced at the fear in her voice and the way she desperately held onto him when he tried to leave.

"This one is going to his room to change, koishii. It won't take a few moments, ok?" He pitched his voice low and soothing as he brushed her fingers out of his clothes and tucked them back under the blanket.

"Hurry back." The breathless whisper came and he felt her shake under the blankets as he promised to hurry. It was probably the fastest he'd ever changed to go to sleep, and with a sigh he wished it was for different reasons and not because she was so afraid.

Snuggled together in the futon, she curled herself against him, burying her nose in his chest and fisting her fingers into his yakuta. In turn, Kenshin wrapped her in his arms, and felt his heart break at each tremor that ran through her body.

"Shh, koishii. This one will stay here all night. I'll never leave you again."

Kaoru lifted her head to look at him, wariness of his words still shining in her eyes, but she nodded. Accepting his words as the closest truth she would get from him. In her mind, if she had him in sight at all times, then he would not go anywhere. She trusted her sense of touch and sight, she did not trust her ears or heart at the moment. So, Kaoru held herself against his warmth and fell into an uneasy sleep with his whispers sounding in her ears and his fingers brushing delicately against her skin.

x

A/N: R&R please... thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm not too proud of this chapter, but please don't hold it against me... I was in too much of a good mood when I wrote it... so I think that reflected onto my writing.

Disclaimer: These people do not belong to me... they are probably happy about that too.

Chapter 5

Kaoru woke with a grin spreading across her face and a giggle erupting from her throat for the chirping birds outside her window. Jumping up out of the futon she rushed around her room and quickly rolled up her bedding and changed into the training gear her father had bought for her. Today he had promised to spar with her.

True she knew that there was no way she was on his level, but it was the fact that he would be focusing totally and completely on her. He would be forced to fix any problems she had in her stance and swing that he would not have been able to notice on different days because he was too busy with others. Today she would be learning more than the same old routine. Today he would be forced to realize she was better than he thought.

Running out of her room she barreled down the hall to his, intent on throwing open the doors and jumping on his sleeping figure. He was lazy like that. Always sleeping in until the last minute. Then again, he had his own personal alarm, so why should he not sleep in as long as he wanted. Kaoru giggled as she slid the shoji open and cautiously peeked inside.

Then frowned in confusion when he was nowhere in sight.

A wonderful smell drifted across her nose and she suddenly understood that he was already up and cooking breakfast. Odd, but a nice change. That meant she didn't have to wait in the kitchen impatiently as he cooked in front of her, denying her any stray bits that she could get a hold of.

Jumping again in her giddy state, she ran down the hall and slid around the corner of the kitchen.

"Otousan I…"

Kaoru froze, the breath constricting in her lungs as she took in the head of red hair that was in her kitchen. Not the dark of her father. And he was short. Definitely too short to be her father. There was a stranger in her house, and her father was nowhere to be found. The man turned toward her questioningly, amethyst eyes curious and confused. Kaoru finally sucked in a breath and looked for something she could use for a weapon. Though in the back of her mind she knew it would do nothing against the katana that was present on his hip.

Kenshin froze with the ladle in hand and the soup bubbling in front of him. Kaoru stood in the doorway and if the look on her face said anything, she was terrified. The range of emotions that swept through her eyes all suggested that he should not have been there, and she was trying to think of a way to get him out. With a detached sort of amusement and admiration he watched her sapphire pools scan the area around them. He'd seen that look before. She was searching for something to beat him with.

"Kaoru-dono?" An honorific for today, he decided. If she didn't know him, then he should treat her with every bit of respect he would show to a stranger. Though it hurt him horribly. Kaoru's eyes snapped back to him, wary. "Breakfast is not ready." He said softly, soothingly, trying to keep his voice and manner as unthreatening as possible.

"Who are you?" She took a cautious step back, looking around again for anything loose to throw in case he rushed her. "Where's Otousan?"

_Oh shit._

"He went out today." Kenshin said slowly, carefully trying to mask the lie. "Something important came up and he asked me to watch you for him."

"Liar! He was going to spend time with me today!" Kenshin's eyes widened in shock at her outburst, but he was actually relieved to hear that she was more upset than disbelieving. _I hope that doesn't mean that her father left her alone a lot though._

"Gomen nasai, Kaoru-chan." He switched to the more affectionate, just in case the other would make her more suspicious. He really had no idea how young she thought she was. "It was really important and he wanted me to make sure that you understood that he's very sorry he won't be here. He'll make it up to you tomorrow."

"Yeah, like he always does." Kenshin watched in horror as she slid down the far wall and buried her face in her hands, silent sobs wracking her body. Putting down the spoon, he walked over to her and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "This one is sure he will."

Kaoru sniffed under his hand, but didn't pull away. Looking up at him, she smiled tremulously and wiped a hand across her eyes. "You're really nice. I still don't know who you are, though."

"Himura Kenshin." He supplied with a smile. His silly rurouni grin that made sure everyone thought he was harmless and trustworthy.

"Arigato, Himura-san."

Kenshin's smile turned tense and he twisted away quickly to mask his own pain. That was definitely weird. She didn't even call him that when they'd first met. "This one will have breakfast brought out for you in a little while. If you want to wait in the dining room." Kenshin heard her stand up and whisper her thanks before walking off down the hall. As soon as he was sure she was gone, he dropped everything and hurried down the hall to Yahiko's room. Briefly he noticed his door standing wide open, but shook it from his mind in favor of getting Yahiko out of there before any more trouble happened.

"Yahiko." Kenshin slid open his shoji and walked in quickly, forgetting politeness and personal space for the moment. "Yahiko, wake up." He nudged him with his foot and watched with some satisfaction as he instantly jumped up and looked around groggily.

"Wha's up? Wha's goin' on?" He finally focused on Kenshin, and started rubbing his eyes dejectedly. Yawning loudly once he realized nothing dangerous was happening. "What is it Kenshin?"

"Kaoru-dono thinks she is still living with her father. This one thinks it would probably be safer if you were not here for today. Go run and warn Megumi-dono before she decides to come over."

"Kuso." Yahiko winced when Kenshin leveled a glare at him. "I mean darn." He smiled sheepishly and hurriedly grabbed clothes to get dressed. "Ok, I'm outta here. Just get back before she starts having a heart-attack or something."

Kenshin leveled another glare at the boy before walking out. He knew that he truly cared for her, he'd proven that when he'd first come back, but it looked like having him back there to take care of her in his stead made the kid feel more secure that she was going to be ok and he could fall back into a regular routine with her. Though he made sure that it was down played considerably compared to what it used to be.

It didn't help that it had been two months since she had started these hallucinations with no sign of them letting up. Most of the time it was just her thinking it was a year earlier or when they'd first met. Every one of them included Kenshin and most of the time Yahiko as well. Things could almost be considered normal if it wasn't for the fact that she would suddenly change her mind halfway through the day or drop back into a deep depression that had her latching onto him as if she'd never let go.

Thankfully she had made a full recovery where her health was concerned. There was no more counting ribs and limp hair, only a healthy glow and rounded curves. Yahiko said he was looking better too, and he had to admit that he felt a lot better, except for the minor fact that his Kaoru was still suffering because he'd left her. Though that didn't seem to be bothering her as much any more. At nights, when she would revert back to remembering his departure, she would also remember every night they shared together and he was beginning to believe that those nights were healing her the most. When all he would do was hold her and assure her he was going nowhere.

On some level he believed that he was getting through to her this way. They still had yet to talk about why he left in the first place, though he thought she already knew. Anymore, after spending a year away from her and seeing the affect that it had on both of them, he realized that he agreed with her. His excuse was stupid. All he could do though was make it up to her for the rest of their lives. Hopefully, she would allow a rest of their lives. After all, he deserved any punishment he received, and he was wondering if Kami-sama wasn't the one handing it to him.

Walking back into the kitchen he removed the soup and set up a tray to take out to the dining room. Today looked like it was going to be a long day.

x

Kaoru sat dejectedly inside the dojo, staring morosely at the plaques on the wall. There was really nothing to complain about, she guessed she should have just expected it. It wasn't like it was anything knew or anything. Being disappointed anyway. She had just been looking forward to learning something new and sparring with her father that it hurt more today that he had to be away than any other time.

Laying her head down on her knees she sighed. Himura had been nice to her all day, but the looks she would sometimes catch from him made her think he wished to be somewhere else. He was really very sweet and made sure she was comfortable at all times, she just thought there was something wrong with him. Something that she didn't have a clue as to how to deal with.

Footsteps entered her ears and she looked up to find the object of her thoughts entering the side of the dojo, a cautious look on his face. That was something else she was trying to figure out about him. Although he was older and probably far more experienced than she was he seemed to be wary of her. Like she was going to jump over and attach herself to his head or something.

"Kaoru-chan, are you planning on sitting in here all afternoon?"

"Maybe." Kaoru turned away from him to stare at the other wall, hoping he would go away.

"Did this one do something wrong?"

She sighed, he liked to blame himself for a lot of things too. "Iie, I just don't want to be outside, ok?"

"But aren't you bored in here, just sitting and doing nothing?"

"I'm…meditating, ok? Didn't you every do that while you were in training? That is assuming you know how to use that thing you carry around."

Kenshin laughed, shocking the girl out of her grumpy mood for a moment to turn and watch him. "Hai, but this one found it to be very uncomfortable after a couple of hours. You've already been in here for more than that and this one is afraid you might get a cramp if you sit there too much longer."

Kaoru smiled at him before coming to a sudden decision. Kenshin watched, slightly wary, as her face lit up unexpectedly. "Father was going to spar with me today, but since he left me with you and you seem to know what your doing and…" _Oh no, I think I know where this one is going. _"well…do you think you could spar with me?" Kenshin shook his head slightly but she only plowed on ahead, more determined than ever. "I know I won't be much of an opponent, and I really don't know all that much and everything and you're probably really good, but I was really looking forward to sparring with Otousan today. I learn so much more that way, and how can I ever hope to master Kamiya Kasshin-ryu if I don't learn?"

"Well…" He would hate for her to think that he was avoiding her, but he still wasn't too sure how old she thought she was and how much swordsmanship she knew at that age. He didn't want to hurt her, but maybe he could humor her for a little bit.

"Onegai shimasu."

"Only for a little while. This one is getting tired in his old age." He joked good naturedly, trying to lighten the mood with her and make up an excuse to cut things short if he had to. Kaoru giggled.

"You can't be that old Himura-san." Then she jumped up and ran across the room to grab a couple shinai for them to use. Kenshin chuckled under his breath while removing his sakabato and placing it off to the side, then accepting the shinai when she handed it to him.

Squaring off with her he could tell that she was nervous, but hiding it bravely. He couldn't really blame her considering she wouldn't know him at this time and therefore didn't have much to build trust off of. Plus she wouldn't know anything about his skill or technique, therefore she was about to face off with someone who had an amazing advantage over her. Apparently his Kaoru was a lot more courageous than he gave her credit for.

The first strike was slightly off, leaving him to believe she was not concentrating, and when he said so she nodded her head and took up stance again. The next was better, but still something was wrong. She was still nervous, but she took any amount of criticism and suggestion that he would make, amazing him that she could swallow her pride in such ways. But then she had always been thoroughly immersed in teaching kendo, so why wouldn't she be that way about learning it too. Kenshin decided to take a more adamant interest in her own training after this. Maybe helping her wasn't that bad of an idea.

Soon she began to relax and her movements became more fluid and graceful, swirling, ducking, swinging all with the casual elegance of a swan. Kenshin was finding he was hard pressed to keep his own concentration when she was thoroughly distracting him with her actions alone. A smile spread across his face at her obvious enjoyment when he caught sight of her glowing eyes set in her fierce expression. _She loves this._ _Let's see how much she really knows. She did say she wanted to learn._

Catching her off guard he ducked and swung low, intent on pulling out if there was any sign that she could not counter his attack. He watched her eyes go wide and he was about to divert when she suddenly rolled forward, over the shinai, and jumped up to her feet to block another blow. All thought put aside she flowed immediately into another more advanced series of blows that had Kenshin backing up under their force, more because he hadn't been expecting them than anything else.

Kaoru felt her body move in time with the beat, unaware to the point of fear about what she was doing or how she even knew what she was doing. Some of those movements were kata that her father hadn't even showed her yet. They were only seen when she had watched the older classes and even they had struggled, but she… had pulled them off like she'd been doing them for years. _What the hell is going on? _Panic welled up into her mind and she froze, staring with frightened eyes at the man in front of her.

"I… n-ani…gomen, but I think I need to rest now." Kaoru bowed hurriedly before running out the door, his questioning voice ringing in her ears.

Dropping the shinai at the door she sprinted down the walkways, intent on getting somewhere she could be alone and safely think about her own thoughts. Diving into her room, she slammed the door shut and leaned against it heavily, sliding down until she was sitting on the floor. Breathing raggedly, she wiped a hand across her sweaty forehead and tried to calm herself down. Something was wrong. There was no way she should have been able to do that, not like that, not so easily. Especially after only seeing it performed once or twice, and those times she hadn't even seen all of it at one time. Something was definitely not right… and why wasn't her father home yet?

Kenshin left the dojo after putting their practice stuff away, and re-placing his sakabato at his hip. Stepping out with every intention of finding Kaoru and talking to her he found himself distracted again as Megumi walked through the front gates.

"Ken-san, I know you said not to come today, but I think she'll be fine if I just tell her I'm a doctor. I was really worried about how her health might or might not be affected with all the stress she's been through. Even if she has been eating and exercising more."

"Hai, this one agrees, Megumi-dono, but Kaoru-dono just went to her room…she is not very happy at the moment."

Megumi put a hand on her hip accusingly. "What did you do this time?"

"Nothing." Kenshin held up his hands innocently. "She asked this one to spar with her, and this one only thought that if it kept her happy then she wouldn't get upset and hurt herself like last time."

Megumi sighed, thinking of how the tanuki had almost broken her neck falling off the porch in her hast to get away from whatever demon had been haunting her a few weeks before. "Alright, but what happened that way I know what to do when I walk in there?"

"This one thinks she might have realized that she knew more about kendo than she thought."

"Ah, well hopefully she's just slightly confused. Nothing that a little distraction won't cure. How about you go and prepare a bath while I go talk her into taking one?"

"Alright, Megumi-dono, but be gentle with her. She still thinks she's living with her father."

Megumi waved absently as she walked around the corner of the house, and stepped up to the door that belonged to Kaoru. Knocking she spoke through the thin walls softly.

"Kaoru-chan, Gensai-sensei sent me to check on you today. He said he was sorry that he couldn't come by himself, but the clinics rather hectic. Still he was worried about you being by yourself since he knew your father would be out. Can I come in?"

There was a small shuffle behind the screen and then the shoji slid open cautiously.

"Who are you?"

"My name's Megumi. I'm Gensai-sensei's apprentice."

"I didn't know that he had an apprentice? When did you start working with him?"

"Oh, just recently, you know. They sent me up from Aizu because they heard he was a really good doctor." Megumi smiled, hoping the half-lie would buy her a little trust with the lost looking girl gazing up at her from the inside of her room.

"Oh, well, I'm just fine, Megumi-sensei. There's really nothing to worry about."

"Well, how could you not be with such a good looking guy taking care of you?" Megumi laughed when the girl blushed and ducked her head. "Come now, you have noticed haven't you? What with that red hair you can't really miss him."

Kaoru giggled nervously. "Yes, but I'm not old enough to be thinking about something like that, Megumi-sensei. So please stop, your embarrassing me."

"Never too young, girl. Now, how about you go take a bath, you look like it would do you some good. I'm sure I heard Ken-san say he was preparing one for you. Wanted me to tell you to hop in when you were ready."

"Oh," Kaoru blushed again, obviously not used to being waited on so much. "I could have done that myself." Picking herself up she busied herself grabbing her bath things and then stumbling out the partially open door.

"I'll make sure Gensai-sensei knows you're all right, Kaoru-chan."

"Arigato, Megumi-sensei." Kaoru bowed hastily before taking off around the corner, intent on making sure the red-head didn't do anything else for her that day.

x

A/N: Ok, the next chapter I'm really, really nervous about... this is where the actually adult rating comes into play... don't hurt me if you hat it... onegai.


	6. Chapter 6

Like I said before... I'm really nervous for this chapter... please don't hate me. Um, hopefully there are those that are still enjoying the story even if you haven't reviewed... thank you to those that did... I really appreciate it. Arigato. Ok, not much else to say except for don't stop reading. I hated doing this to Kenshin... I really did... but everything will get better... believe me. Now...

**WARNING: This gets a little (ok REALLY) suggestive and is probably not something you should read unless you're seventeen or older... don't say I didn't warn you because I have and I will not be held responsible.**

Disclaimer: I bet he's sooo glad...

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Chapter 6

Kaoru blinked open sleepy eyes and looked around her dark room, but there was no signs of life, and nothing out of the ordinary that could have woken her up. Sighing she closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

Then her shoji was slammed open with such force that she nearly jumped completely out of bed, her heart hammering hard against her chest in fear. Scrambling with the bed clothes, she crawled backwards and looked to the open door with trepidation. A figure stood there menacingly, brandishing an unsheathed katana, the sharp metal shining brightly in the moonlight. As Kaoru's eyes adjusted to the light she found she could pick out the red tints in the long hair covering the figure's eyes, and she sighed in relief.

"Kenshin, what's wrong? Is somebody attacking?" With that thought she stood up, hand reaching for the bokken she kept in her room for emergencies.

"Iie." The voice stopped her in her tracks, its deadly tone sending a shiver up her spine and freezing the blood in her veins.

"Kenshin…"

The fiery head tilted up and she gasped in a breath at the sight of amber eyes staring at her, blood and heat reflecting from their cruel depths. _What was he doing here? What was wrong?_ The Battosai took a step forward, she took a step back.

"Kenshin, onegai…what's going on?"

"You lied to me." His voice accused with a growl.

"What are you talking about?"

"You said you didn't care about the past, yet that's all you've been living in." Another step. "Does that mean you lied about mine as well?" The katana levered out toward her.

"Iie, Kenshin…I don't…"

"I see it now, Kaoru. You never loved me. I should have left a long time ago." Her back was against the wall now, his breathing hot on her face. Eyes a molten gold stared into hers, no affection could be seen in them. Only death.

"No, Kenshin…I do love you." She pleaded with him pitifully, one hand raising to grab his shirt. Cold fingers slapped her hand away and then the harsh feel of his blade touched her neck, forcing her to press herself flat against the wall.

"No, you could never love me, Kaoru. Not ME." His voice hissed in rage. "You've only lied; to me, to yourself, to everyone. I don't like being lied to, Kaoru." The blade pressed harder against her soft flesh. "I've been lied to before, and I will not allow for it again."

"Onegai, Kenshin…I would never lie to you."

"Liar." He chuckled heartlessly into her ear. "But Kaoru, what I wanted to tell you…" His free hand dropped to run suggestively over her body, Kaoru sobbed brokenly at the implication. "I do not give up what is mine." He whispered quietly. "Even if you don't want me anymore…" His hand roughened, tearing at the thin material covering her. "You will always be mine."

"Onegai…Kenshin."

He ignored her plea and she shuddered when he bit her neck, bruising the tender skin and making her cry out in pain. The yakuta she wore was ripped from her, while she stood, helpless to protest with anything more than whimpers and pleas that fell on deaf ears. The blade still pressed into her throat and all she could do was feel. Feel the man she truly loved with all her heart take something from her that she would have freely given to him. All he had to do was ask.

Callously he pulled and twisted at her skin; bruising her… hurting her… marking her. The katana disappeared, a sharp clatter on the floor, but her position wasn't any more comfortable as he trapped both her hands above her head with one of his own. Struggling feebly, crying helplessly, she was forced to endure every usual small pain with a harsh intensity and no way to lessen them. Tears poured from her eyes, blood ran smooth down her legs and off her lip where he bit her for screaming, and her mind wailed in protest. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Not her first… not her last… not with her only love.

The pain did not cease even after he pushed himself ruthlessly inside her for the last time, grunting in her ear in his pleasure. Neither did it stop when he pulled away, dropping her unceremoniously on the floor below and leaving her to curl into a ball and stare at the wall in front of her blankly. The pain was there, in her body, coursing through her, but her mind felt numb. Not even letting her respond to the scathing remark he left in her ear before turning and leaving her there, her heart shriveling and dying in her chest. That one word echoed in her mind, reverberating through the depths of her thoughts and making her giggle hysterically with its irony. All she had ever wanted to hear from him. All that she'd ever wanted to be. She had it…but never did she believe that it would come like this.

_Mine._

x

Kaoru woke to a noise that confused her at first, jolting her out of her unconsciousness and momentarily lapsing the horror of it. It wasn't until the door to the bathhouse was nearly ripped off its track that she registered what it was. She was screaming.

"Kaoru!" Kenshin burst into the room, looking frantic and concerned, running to the side of the tub without even caring that she was naked under the water. Kaoru lifted the hands from her head to turn and look at the owner of the voice and screamed again, louder. Backing her way to the far side of the tub, then jumping out when he only seemed to keep coming. Scrambling over the side, she hit the rock floor without pause and crab walked backwards till she hit the wall. There she seemed to finally realize that she was naked, and it only added to the fear and terror in her eyes.

Kenshin watched in confusion and dismay as she only seemed to get worse under his scrutiny. In the corner she curled into a little ball, covering herself as best she could, and whimpering now in the back of her throat.

"Kaoru?" He took a step forward, and she cringed into the wood behind her. He stopped. "Kaoru, what's wrong? What happened?" There was no response but her anxious movements to cover herself, prompting his next move. Hurriedly he pulled off the blue gi he was wearing, intent on covering her with it. The widening of her eyes was missed in his struggle, but her choked sob and terror filled gaze when he finally looked was not.

Slowly he advanced, painfully aware of every whimper and tear that escaped her, but he gritted his teeth and moved forward, determined to help her in any way that he could. Only the soft whispering of her voice and its distressed plea stopped him again, feet from her.

"No, please, leave me alone. Not again…please."

"Kaoru…"

Megumi burst through the door at that second, taking in the scene before her with an observant eye. Walking forward briskly she ripped the gi from Kenshin's hands and moved to cover Kaoru, who jumped into her arms with something like relief on her face.

"What are you doing? Trying to scare the poor girl out of her wits?"

"But…this one did not do anything." Kenshin protested weakly, chagrined that his Kaoru went willingly into the arms of the doctor and not his own.

"It was apparent that she's scared of you at the moment. You should have came for me, or waited until I got here."

"How could this one just leave her here in such a state?" His voice turned accusing, angry that he was being yelled at for caring.

"It doesn't matter! Just get out of here and find her some clothes to wear. Preferably a yakuta, because I'm sending her straight to bed after this…escapade." Megumi turned back to the shivering girl in her arms, wrapped in Kenshin's gi and peeking over the edge at the red-head cautiously. Kenshin left with the sounds of her soothing words and promises that everything would be okay singing in his ears.

x

Kenshin sat looking up at the cloudy night sky. Kaoru had been stowed away neatly in her own room hours before, his gi had been recovered, and Megumi was checking up on her one last time before leaving to go to the clinic. There had been no reason supplied by the little kendo instructor as to why she had been screaming in the bathhouse, or why she was frightened into hysterics when he had entered. In fact, all Kenshin knew about anything that happened behind the closed doors of her room was that she'd fallen asleep almost instantly after arriving. *_Sigh* I wish I knew what to do to help her. To fix it._

Kenshin buried his head in his hands in frustration, then heard the door slide open behind him and Megumi carefully sitting down next to him.

"Is she ok?" He asked weakly, not looking at her, afraid of the answer.

"She's fine now Ken-san." Violet eyes looked up curiously at the bewildered tone in her voice. "In fact, she wants to see you."

"Nani?" His reply sounded breathless, even to his ears.

"Hai, she said she wanted to talk to you about something. Or things. But she wouldn't tell me anything about what happened, so I'm going to assume she's going to tell you." Megumi turned to look at him, a determined spark in her eyes. "Although I'm glad that she wants to talk, I don't know how good of an idea it is for her to talk about it to you. Especially since she seemed to want nothing to do with you earlier." Kenshin looked mildly offended. Okay, so he was really offended.

"Meaning?"

"I'm going to stay here overnight, just in case she throws herself into another fit that neither you nor Yahiko can help her out of."

"That's sounds fair, Megumi-dono." Kenshin smiled weakly, before standing up and leaving her there. "Oyasumi nasai."

"Oyasumi nasai, Ken-san."

x

A/N: That was rather horrible of me to do... and now that I look back on it... I really don't understand why myself... except maybe for what it does to help Kaoru understand her own situation. Ah well... please keep reading and leave me a review.


	7. Chapter 7

Oh... it was only a dream, guys... I would never... **never**... make him rape her for real... That's just aweful. Kenshin's my hero. I have more respect for him than that. Sheesh. Alright, hope you stuck with it. Thanks for that at least. Have at it.

Disclaimer: RK belongs to a genius... which is not me...

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Chapter 7

Kenshin knocked hesitantly on the shoji of Kaoru's room. Nervously he waited for her response, and when it came he had to strain his ears to hear the soft words. Sliding the door open he peeked inside to find his Kaoru sitting on her futon, wrapped in her yakuta and hair braided for bed. Sapphire eyes met his own and she smiled shakily at him, her nerves and fear still showing through her outer bravery.

"Come here, Kenshin." One small hand patted the mattress next to her, begging him to enter and sit with her. Kenshin entered the room, though still wary as she eyed him cautiously, looking very much like she wished to run from his presence but forcing herself to endure. Worry and love battled in his gaze as he slowly made his way to her, concerned with her obvious fear of him and wishing only to sooth that undeserving terror away.

For long seconds she did nothing but look at him, studying the emotions and intent in his eyes suspiciously. So when she suddenly launched forward into his chest, wrapping strong arms around his waist and burying her face in his gi, he nearly tumbled off the futon in his surprise. The shock passed quickly in the face of her emotional turmoil as she desperately clutched him to her and sucked in uneven breaths against his chest. Softly gathering her to him, rubbing soothing patterns up her back and laying gentle kisses on the top of her head, he waited for her to calm herself before asking what he had been curious to know all afternoon.

"Tell this one what happened, Kaoru."

Stubbornly, frantically, she shook her head, keeping her face from sight, and allowing nothing but her movement and the tickling of her dark hair to be seen as her negation.

"Onegai shimasu, koishii. This one can not fix it if you do not tell him what is wrong."

"It was only a dream, Kenshin." She spoke more to herself then to him, needing to convince both of them that it wasn't real and there was nothing to worry about.

"Demo, it has hurt you, and made you afraid of this one. I can't stand you being afraid of me, Kaoru." Kenshin pleaded with her anxiously, afraid but at the same time curious as to what her delusional mind had mixed up in her dreams.

"I'm not afraid of you Kenshin." She responded quickly, decisively… almost guiltily.

"Liar." He admonished softly, teasing her into a reply. He was not expecting her to shove away from him, burying herself into the blanket surrounding them and bursting into tears. "Kaoru!"

"G-gomen nasai, I did not mean to…please forgive me. Don't be mad at me." She wailed piteously, sobbing hard into the blanket and curling into herself further.

"This one is not mad at you, koishii. This one is just concerned, and please don't cry. I hate it when you cry." Pulling her into his lap once again, he calmed her with quiet words and indistinct sounds until she stilled in his arms.

"I'm so confused, Kenshin… I've tried to figure it out but I can't… something's wrong… something's so wrong." Desperately she turned her face into his gi, muffling her words with his body.

"What can't you figure out, Kaoru?"

"Everything…anything!" She pulled away, throwing her hands out in emphasis, her eyes wide in fear and frustration. "I don't remember yesterday…as much as I try to…all I can think about…all I see is as if it's a dream, and my dreams seem so real."

"Like the one earlier?" He asked softly, prompting her to tell him, wanting to help in any way that he could.

"Hai." Her body relaxed against him again, slumping slightly in his arms. "Like the dream. It's so confusing… I know that it was only a dream…but I know only because you are here with me now…holding me like this. If it was real, you wouldn't be."

"Why wouldn't I be, koishii?" Kenshin forced his voice to stay calm and soothing, resisting the urge to shake her and make her tell him.

"Because you were so mad at me… you… were so disgusted with me, and I…" Silent tears slipped out of her eyes as she tightly squeezed them shut, sucking in a shaky breath before going on. "I couldn't convince you… y-you wouldn't listen to me and… it hurt so much." Kaoru couldn't keep the sobs from racking her body, heaving horribly in her fight to keep air in her lungs.

"This one hurt you?" Pain filled his voice at the thought that she would be dreaming something like that about him. _But you have hurt her, haven't you? Leaving her alone, miserable and heartbroken…how is that not hurting her? _

"It was only a dream, Kenshin." Kaoru soothed a hand over his chest, wanting to comfort him as much as he comforted her.

"How? Why?" The demand in his voice may have been harsh, but something inside of him had to know…to make it right, to make it disappear…and to make sure that it would never happen for real.

"Kenshin…" Tears still held onto her lashes and streaked her face as she looked up at him, pleading with him not to make her say.

"Tell me."

Keeping her eyes on his, her gaze only slightly wavering in anxiety, she whispered words to him that tore at his heart. Everything, she told him everything from beginning to end and watched as the horror in his eyes grew. Images of her panicked form in the bathhouse came to mind and he cringed inwardly… then her disastrous reaction only moments before when he had called her a liar.

"This one would never do… that to you, Kaoru. I would never do that to you." His voice was choked, violet eyes begging for forgiveness for something he never did and asking her to believe that he never would.

Kaoru looked up into his face, recognizing the promise for what it was. That no matter how he acted, no matter how deep in the throws of his emotions he became, no matter if he was the Rurouni or the Battosai, he would never hurt her. Smiling up at him, she nodded.

"Hai, that is why I know it was a dream." One struggle down… now for the rest. "But it was so real." Kenshin opened his mouth to protest but she held up a finger to hush him. "No let me finish. It seemed so real because everything was too focused, too sharply clear in my mind. I felt everything; heard, touched, even smelt my own sweat with a frightening clarity. It's happened before, I think, but because of this I know that it was only a dream… they were all only dreams. So if they were only dreams, then what is real?"

"Koishii…" Kenshin held her closer, wanting to help, but afraid that it would be too much for her to handle all at once.

"No, Kenshin, we need to talk about this." Sapphire eyes looked into his with defiance and determination. "I do remember some things, but like I said it's like they are only dreams while my dreams seem real. For instance, in the back of my mind I vaguely remember looking for my father, but why would I do that? He's been dead for years now." Kenshin looked away. "And then I remember sparring with you, but I don't remember how it ended or what happened next. All I can remember clearly is the dream and waking up in the bathhouse. But thinking back on both of these it seems so unlikely that they could have even been real. Otousan's dead, and you never spar with me. How do I know what is true?"

"This is true, Kaoru," he whispered softly, grazing calloused fingers over her face.

"But will it seem that way tomorrow? Will this just be a fuzzy image in my mind, or will I forget completely?" Kaoru plowed ahead, still doubtful and confused.

"Don't you remember last night? Or the night before?"

Looking away she thought about the day before, hazy feelings and words coming to mind when she searched for what they had done for supper, what they had eaten. Absently she shook her head, and then stopped as she remembered sliding open a shoji, silently walking into a room that wasn't hers, and curling under the waiting blanket and into the loving arms of her rurouni. "Demo…" Soft kisses pressed into her skin; intense words and promises to never leave, to always be there waiting for her; loving caresses over silken hair and then the blissful warmth and contentment of just being together, wrapped in each others arms. "Kenshin…"

A small smile curved his lips and he kissed the top of her head. "As long as you remember these moments, does it really matter if you remember any of the rest?"

"But it hurts you, I can see it in your eyes that it does," she accused.

"Don't I deserve to be punished? For what I have done to you? All of this is my fault, and the price I must pay for leaving." Defiant words left his mouth in a hiss, daring her to disagree. What else could she do but exactly that?

"Kenshin," Slender fingers reached up to cup his face tenderly. "why did you leave me? Tell me why?"

"Because this one only seems to hurt you. All this one has ever done here, in my home, is hurt you; with my past and my insistence to push you away. How could this one have stayed, knowing that you deserved so much more, someone so much better? How could I stay and continue to hurt you?"

"So you left…because you love me." It wasn't a question.

"Hai," he agreed. "because I love you."

Kaoru pressed her face into the curve of his neck, and moments later he felt her tremble. "Kaoru?" Worry tinged his voice, but died quickly when the movement was accompanied by an amused huff of air.

"You silly, silly rurouni." Kenshin eyed her warily. "What am I going to do with you?" Pulling away, she looked up at him with laughing eyes.

"Kaoru?" Kenshin couldn't help but be thoroughly confused.

"In what part of your mind did you believe that I could actually be mad at you for loving me? That you should be punished for loving me?"

"Demo…"

"No." Kaoru pushed away, sitting up to look him in the eyes. "Kenshin the only thing you should be punished for is never telling me. Never allowing me to know. Because if I did then I would not have just sit here, waiting to rot. You know I would have followed you."

"That is why this one did not tell you."

Kaoru laughed outright at his petulant tone then swatted him playfully over the head. "Baka. You really are a stubborn idiot." Kenshin couldn't help the small, rueful smile that crossed his lips as he rubbed the sore spot on his head. "Now that that's cleared up I…"

"Wait, it is not Kaoru. How can you just let what has happened slide by without a thought?"

"Kenshin, I thought I told you that the past doesn't concern me. Everything is clear in my mind. You love me," She reached forward to place a kiss on his cheek. "and I love you," Another on the other side. "and that is all that matters to me. The rest is just meaningless banter."

"Demo…" All he seemed to be doing was protesting.

"Kenshin," she sighed. "You left me, ok I know this. I know what it did to me, I can only guess what it did to you, but I know that we both have suffered. The only thing that this serves us now is to remind us what we are without each other. Which is nothing. So, knowing this, will you leave me again?"

"Never."

The smile that bloomed on her face was joyous. "Then what else matters?"

Unable to resist this wonderful woman any longer, he wrapped arms around her, holding her to him with a fierce whisper in her ear. "I love you."

"Yes, well, I guess there is that too." She laughed with him, his deep chuckle rumbling against her, running through her whole body. "Now, if you are done being selfless and demanding punishment, then I would like to know what I have been doing all this time I couldn't remember."

"Hai, hai, koishii, but this one still thinks he deserves some kind of punishment."

"Well…if you insist, there are a few things that come to mind." A deep blush stained her cheeks and she looked away in embarrassment at her daring words. Kenshin had to do a double take, disbelieving what he had just heard. _Where did that come from?_ Stifling the grin that threatened, he forced a mock seriousness into his voice.

"Then this one thinks he should explain things quickly so that this… punishment can be carried out as soon as possible. This one prefers to be punished immediately. Dragging them out makes the suspense unbearable, that it does."

"Maybe that was what I was hoping for," she mumbled under her breath, unable to bring herself to say it too loudly. Kenshin laughed, pulling her into his lap.

"Very well, koishii, this one will explain these past two months to you. Then we can get to this punishment." He smiled again at her blush before going into the details of her delusions and Megumi's explanation and suggestion that they should just play along. Kaoru sat and listened through it all, silent and maybe a little sad. In the end he declared that they should just go to sleep. Agreeing absently, she snuggled under the covers with him, staying awake hours after he had fallen asleep. A small piece of her afraid she would not remember when she woke.

x

Kaoru lay awake, her thoughts clinging to the fact that she had been living two lives, much the way that she was clinging to Kenshin. Why had she suddenly fallen into the past, surrounding herself in its security as well as its madness? What about it appealed to her mind? Enough to make it latch onto those times and dive through its memories, washing away any form of the present except at nights? What about those nights made her mind feel safe enough to let her live through them normally?

Kenshin sighed minimally in his sleep, pulling her closer and whispering her name against her hair. A smile over came her before she was even aware of it. At this moment, laying in his arms, she was happy, and she could tell that he was as well. Content to lay next to her and bathe in the warmth they created, even after the suggestive comments she had made earlier. Thin lips curved slightly, pushing his cheeks into her hair, alerting her to the movement. Was that it? Was it only because he was happy that she wished to be there, to remember their time together? Was it his happiness that she craved? To know that he was content to just be with her, to love her?

Every time that he had described to her seemed to be about him. Times when he was more insistent about being with her, near her, protecting her. Other times that were just the two of them, happy and peaceful. Always just content to be near each other.

Except for the one that day. A frown deepened the corners of her mouth. Today had been about her father, but… maybe that stemmed from her need for affection, for all those times that she had been left in the care of someone else. Today it had been Kenshin, and he had cared for her just as sweetly as always. Only, she remembered the pain in his eyes. *_Sigh_* This was getting nowhere.

_He came back to me…so why did this happen? Why did I run?_ She froze, her breathing shallow; furtive. _He came back and I ran. I ran, even when he said he would stay. Why? _Teeth pulled her lip into her mouth, worrying it relentlessly. _Was it because I was afraid? Afraid that even though he had come back, that even though he promised not to leave, that he was still not content to be with me? That the feelings of guilt he carried were not enough to make him stay…or worse, they were the wrong reasons for him stay? _A shocked breath past through her lips. _I didn't know that he loved me. He treated me with every bit of tenderness he would a child, but…I didn't know. And the prospect that he still wouldn't be able to love me frightened me. So I ran._ Silent tears ran down her cheeks. _I ran to a time that still gave me that possibility, still gave me hope that he could. Or maybe…maybe I went back to see if he ever really did? _She shook her head forcibly._Whatever it was…whatever the reason. It doesn't matter. I know he loves me now. All I can hope for is that it will be enough for my mind to want to stay with him. I want to stay with him. Please let me stay…_


	8. Chapter 8

Last chapter. Thanks for all that stuck around, and I'm hopeful that you liked it if only a bit. Slight lime in this chapter, but nothing amazing.

Disclaimer: No way... but I wouldn't really mind. XD

x

Chapter 8

Kaoru woke with a flutter in her heart and a knot in her throat, afraid to open eyes that would reveal to her an empty room. Lying as still as possible, she let her other senses take over, trying to discern any trace of another in her surroundings. Warmth encircled her, but it could have easily come from the blankets she was snuggled in. Soft breathing entered her ears, but it was in tune to the steady rise and fall of her own chest, so she dismissed it. Hair tickled her cheek, but her bangs had grown unruly after Kenshin had left her. The only difference her still tired mind and relaxed body could react to was the sharp smell of ginger in the air.

Relenting, she opened wary sapphire eyes to the dim room. A half-light entered through the high window, barely allowing for the objects to take shape in her vision. The shoji in front of her led to the inside of the house, directing her away from the other side of her futon. Taking one shaky breath she turned, but was frozen securely in place. At her small move to withdraw something tightened around her waist, holding her still before pulling her closer into the wall of heat behind her. A soft sigh ghosted down her neck, pushing the stray hairs aside with its path and making her shiver in response. Reaching up with the hand of her free arm, she delicately took hold of the silk tickling her skin and moved it to within her eye sight. A happy, relief filled smile bloomed over her entire face when she saw the fire she held.

"Kenshin," she sighed, the name a caress on her lips, spoken only for herself and the joy it brought. Tilting her head only slightly, not wanting to disturb his sleep, she took in as much of his face as she could. Soft red hair fell down in places, blocking much of his forehead and cheek from view, but his mouth was relaxed, parted ever so slightly in invitation, projecting warm breaths over her skin._ Tempting, _lazily her mind supplied the word, the energy to think too much carefully in his arms, only just enough for her to lay flat on her back, she reached up to skim tender pads over his jaw and down his neck.

Kenshin twitched gently, reacting subconsciously to her attentions, but it was enough for her to jerk fearfully away. When he did nothing but flatten his palm over her ribs and drag her closer still, she breathed a sigh of relief. Extending now shaky fingers once again, she boldly traced the velvety texture of his lower lip, delighting in the pleasures she was being allowed to explore. When that mouth nipped at her without warning she almost yelped in response.

"Koishii… what are you doing?" Kenshin's voice was sleepy and content, breathy words questioning when the mind just wished to relax.

"Making sure."

An absentminded hum issued from his throat and he snuggled himself against her, nudging his nose into the crook of her neck. "Making sure of what?"

"That you're real," she stated happily, running fingers through the hair covering his face.

Amethyst eyes blinked open, realizing at that moment that she had woken before him, and on any other day that would not have been good. Pulling hastily away, he looked down at the lazy sapphire smiling up at him, trying to no avail to find any lingering traces of confusion or fear… or anger at him for being there. Relaxing visibly at her seeming satisfaction, he smiled back, the curve turning quickly into a mischievous grin when her words came back to him.

"Maybe this unworthy one can help." Moving before she could react, he leaned in to steal a kiss from her happy lips, then pulled back to enjoy her giggles.

"Mou, Kenshin, that wasn't fair." Tugging on loose hairs, she coaxed him into giving her another kiss, unsatisfied with the teasing touch, but still he moved away after only a short second.

"Are you sure yet, koishii?" Another quick kiss. "This one will be happy," And another. "to spend all day," And another. "convincing you this way," And another. "if not." And another.

"Mou! I'm convinced already! Now give me a real kiss… before I bite you!"

"Yatta…" Softly brushing lips against hers, he watched her eyes flutter closed in response, waiting for him to close the distance. "that doesn't sound too bad." Capturing her mouth before she could protest his teasing remark, he used her slight agitation to his advantage, gently exploring her semi-parted lips with the edges of his tongue. The faint sigh of satisfaction spoke of her approval and she happily proceeded to learn how to respond in kind to this side of love.

Savoring every feeling… every tremor… every needy caress… every answering sigh; he readily fell into the ardent worship of her body and the learning of movements that would bring about the greatest fulfillment for her, and for him. Every response was relished, explored until he knew exactly where they stemmed and she could barely breath. Every inch of creamy skin was delighted in, whispering sweet words of beauty against her heated flesh, words that traveled softly to her ears and curved pink lips lovingly. Every moan echoed as his own pleasure peaked with hers.

Pure bliss clouded her mind, only registering the pleasurable ache and tender caresses that built upon it, heightening it to the point where the blood running through her veins felt hot enough to burn. Nothing could have prepared her for this, nothing compared, not even the reality of her nightmare could mar the wonder of each touch and feeling. Even when a sharp pain stabbed out beneath her skin and a glimpse of triumphant amber burned into her mind, she only smiled, the small hurt washed away in the relief that this was real and that nothing could take it away.

x

Blanketed in the combined scents of jasmine and ginger, Kenshin braced his weight on his arms, ragged breathing escaping his parted lips as he absently rubbed his nose over her ear. Needy gasps of air from the woman beneath him tore at his senses, uncovering a fierce, purely male, satisfaction that she had reacted to him so readily, so intensely. Needing him, he realized, just like he needed her. Needed that morning to be real, with no shadow of doubt to tarnish its beauty and splendor.

The small sound of protest she gave when he pulled away made him chuckle in amusement, and he affectionately stroked a hand over her cheek as he cuddled her against him. A gentle morning glow shown through the window now, bathing the room in its warm illumination and creating a comfortable atmosphere, adding to the love that filled the space around them. Kaoru sighed in contentment, her limbs relaxed in a way that they had never known before, and could only bury her face in his chest, breathing in his scent and releasing it with another sigh.

"Are you sure now, my love?" He teased her quietly, the smile prominent in his voice.

"Hai." The word was barely audible as she drifted in a state of half-sleep, listening for his voice more than for his words, enjoying the way it started in his chest and rumbled under her ear before escaping out in the open.

"Go back to sleep, koishii," he whispered against her hair, aware of her minor struggle to stay awake with him. A hum of agreement passed her lips and he smiled as her breathing evened and she fell asleep curled into him, her fingers tangled gently in his unbound hair.

x

Megumi woke lazily with the slant of morning sunlight shining across her face, warming her with its coziness and adding to the comfort of her futon. Yawning hugely, she stretched limbs above her head cat-like before tossing aside the blankets and getting up. Pulling on her kimono, tugging irritably at the obi when it wouldn't knot like she wanted, she made her way out of the room and down the hall towards the kitchen. Briefly she shook her head at the loud snoring of the boy, obviously content to sleep the morning away, and then stopped in front of Kaoru's room.

_Should I wake her now and see how she is, or should I just wait and see how she wakes up this morning?_ Pondering in her mind what would be the best course of action as her doctor, her stomach made her mind up for her. _Hmm, wake her now… or eat and then wake her? _Another insistent growl from her belly. _Yeah, definitely food first._ Yawning again, she walked on down the hall and around the corner to the kitchen. Kenshin was usually up by now making breakfast for them all, and if she was sneaky enough she could snatch some food away from him. _Or I could just distract him by hanging on him like always,_ she thought with a sly giggle, fox ears popping out at the thought. _And the tanuki thought it was only to get on her nerves, it has other advantages._

"Ken-san, what are… we…" Megumi stood in the empty kitchen, taking in the cold stove and the untouched counters, then crossed her arms. Something was definitely wrong if he wasn't up making breakfast already.

Turning back around she headed back to the rurouni's room, knocking softly on the door she called his name once before sliding it open. Another empty, untouched room stood before her eyes, his futon still lying folded in the corner and not even a carelessly tossed pair of clothing strewn on the floor. Frowning slightly, now in confusion as well as worry, she closed the door and was about to walk out to the bath house when she paused by Kaoru's room once again. _I know he sometimes stays in here with her, and if he doesn't she ends up in his room, but usually he's up before this. _Sighing a little in frustration, she leaned into the shoji, sitting her ear against the door and listening for any sign of movement from within. When there was nothing but the relentless breathing of a person in sleep, she quietly slid the shoji open a couple of inches.

A gasp issued from her mouth at the sight before her, but not one of horror, only shock. In fact, if she overcame that initial feeling she found the pair to be rather cute, cuddled under the blankets together, Kenshin's bare shoulder peeking out as Kaoru's slim fingers tangled through his hair. Smirking as only she could, Megumi closed the door and walked back down the hall. _Looks like I'm going to be cooking breakfast this morning._

x

Kaoru woke slowly, eyes fluttering open to the darkness of her room, and smiled at the warmth that surrounded her. Burrowing happily back into his chest, she heard him sigh and the arm around her tightened carefully, his hand resting protectively over the small bulge under her yukata. Placing her own hand over the top of his, she rubbed her fingers over the softer skin of the back of his hand, then let out a sigh of her own as he lifted his fingers, telling her his wish to twine them with her own.

"How do you feel, koishii?" Kenshin's soft question held all the concern and worry he had had since the beginning, a small fear in the back of his mind whispering that she was too small, too delicate, too fragile.

"I'm fine, anata." She would have swatted at him if she wasn't so comfortable in their position. "Stop worrying so much."

"This one cannot help if he does not wish to lose you."

Kaoru smiled at the heartfelt reply, the love she felt for him clenching tightly at her heart. "I know, anata, but you aren't going to lose me. Women were built to bear children, you know." She chuckled at his affirmative hum, and the small doubt that still could be detected in the way his hand only curled more possessively over her body. "Daijoubu," she whispered, letting her voice trail off as that weariness that went with carrying a child overcame her.

"Koishii."

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Kaoru smiled, amused yet satisfied none-the-less that he had taken to telling her this as often as he could. Afraid after the confession of her thoughts that she would slip back away from him if she was not reminded. She didn't feel the need to tell him that she would never forget it and he didn't have to ever tell her again if he didn't want to, but… how could she resist the chance to hear those much needed words spoken to her as many times as she could ever want, and how could she resist the chance to speak them back every time? The idea that she was finally revealing all of her emotions to him out loud a heady drug for her abused heart. Especially when he smiled for her, really smiled… only for her.

"I love you too, Kenshin… anata."

She felt the smile he pressed into her hair, and the muscles around her heart relaxed.

End


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